single chicago girl

danced all night

made out as i ran my fingers through his wavy locks on the dance floor.  he was fun.  he also lightly kissed my neck and shoulder when he was behind me.  so sweet.  

content

i just want to be content.

used and abused

guys can eat shit.  all of them.

so do i call him?

we went on a date exactly 1 week ago, last monday.  we exchanged texts tuesday.  we haven’t scheduled any follow up interaction.  do i do this today?  or do i just give up and say he’s just not that into me?  

ugh but the date went so well! 

so forward on the bus

• dude: do you have a boyfriend?
• me: no (i'm too honest)
• dude: why not? girl put my numba in yo phone
• me: no thanks.

and now the wait begins

the worst part of dating: waiting for that follow up call to schedule the next date. send him vibes to just call me, thanks universe!

best first date ever

crazy happy

friday night out

I had to lie to some guy that I had a boyfriend to get him away from me. I’ve never had to do this before.

about that date

i’ve lost track of the numbers and lets face it, so have you.  dating has been so sporadic lately.  

i came right on time at the said bar we were to meet.  he was dressed in jeans, a zip up hoodie, tshirt, and some sneakers, these are all fine but clearly no attempt to look nice.  i wore skinny jeans, peep toe flats, a coral billowy top, and a blazer to keep warm on such a nippy night.  

when i arrived at the bar i was thinking he wasn’t there yet.  i grabbed a stool and this hunky tall guy came over and hugged me hello.  the conversation was forced.  the topic was mostly him.  even more about his dog, which i don’t mind either because his dog seemed more interesting than him. he’s from a small town and has a bit of a twang to his voice.  he’s got muscles that make me want to eat off them.  lets be honest, i just want to see him naked, which is all i thought about as i pretended to be interested in his words coming out of his mouth. 

2 awkward hours later i went home thinking man i just want to play with his dog.  we never exchanged phone numbers, we never kissed good bye, we never reached out to each other again.  case closed.  

but if he were to contact me…i hope it includes his pup and him shirtless.  

i got a date

tomorrow!

a real life journal entry

i am feeling more lost than ever.  my world doesn’t seem real.  my love life is nonexistent.  my days run into my nights.  my memory no longer remembers much of anything.  my motivation is lacking.  i don’t know where i am or where i will be going.  i am scared. i am terrified.  i am so afraid of being alone.  my thoughts no longer feel organized.  i feel like a mess.  i feel like my heart will never open up to anyone.  i feel like i fake who i am to protect myself from getting hurt.  that i must fake it to make it, that this tough girl attitude is needed to cover up the timid scared nobody beneath.  why is it so terrible to be me?  why must i be so afraid?  why can’t i just accept myself?  these questions forever haunt me.  perhaps it is why i am the way i am.  that every time i open myself up i get hurt, beaten, and lose control.

i am sad i haven’t met him yet.  i am scared, nervous, and always jealous.  i am miserable.  i feel like i need someone to complete me, like i am missing a piece of who i am.  i know that isn’t fair to say.  i know that’s not giving myself enough credit, that i’m not a whole person.  i never give myself enough credit.  i always settle for less.  i tolerate a lot of shit that i do not deserve.

i deserve to be happy.  i deserve to feel beautiful and desirable.  i deserve these things i don’t allow myself.  i never give myself enough time.  i don’t take care of myself enough.  i don’t treat myself well.  i need to change all of this to better me.

2 dates in 2 days

i’ll fill you in soon enough